The Most abhorred question...

March 24, 2021

The Most abhorred question...

Why do you do this to yourself? 

The most abhorred question you ask over and over again 

and the same answer is I don’t know 

Don’t try to search for more 

I sit on a cracked sidewalk that hurts my ass staring at a beautiful sunset with a city I call home. 

The ash fails to the sidewalk at least because I can never keep it from inside the car Little things that will leave traces of me behind

 Rides in the back of ambulances with my eyes clenched tight 

Right eye opened and a bud light billboard flashes as quickly as it was seen

 ER nurses ignore you for hours as you crawl out of your skin and scream while no ones listening 

Hallucinate the bugs are coming out of the walls and the nurses faces distort making comments 

Those moments are the last to surface 

You think relapses are some grand moment of time where it stands still with a tickling clock waiting for your final answer and you think deeply about those lives you shatter

 “Why?” 

It swirls past so past you dont know and the hands come off the hinges 

and you do not know 

Right from up up from down 

Noon from dusk 

And you end up at the cold wet pit where

 In those five seconds your mind thought green

 You’ve ran through aspects of your life tearing them to shreds for no reason other than the earth shattering gut wrenching feeling 

Of the swirling liquid in the bottom of your stomach 

You only regain a glimpse of consciousness when you realize that swirl is becoming empty 

No decision is made 

That day you got cut off on the high way and your family ignores you and

 The day you feel ugly in the mirror and you cannot breathe 

because the weather is too hot or when you stand spinning while everyone operates around you are desperately trying to regain normality and reenter the room

 As quietly as you left 

And you hide inside your mind and your soul and as much as you unravel and speak at meetings and give and hold on you’re never holding on harder than the drink. 

And you scream and you scream and nobody hears and sees those nights where you sit in a fetal position hoping for another life besides this one you’ve been granted 

because you can’t go a day without facing the monster who took everything you had 

And no one hears the pen ripping the paper because you try and try to use all those god damn coping mechanisms they drill into your fragile brain 

And no one sees you on your knees and begging for whatever wrongs you committed to be released so for one solitary moment the devil didn’t dance inside your brain 

 

Feel free to reach out and get in touch with Payton below: 

mackpeyton20@yahoo.com

@pmack011 - INSTA

Pey Arlene- FB


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