Why do you do this to yourself?
The most abhorred question you ask over and over again
and the same answer is I don’t know
Don’t try to search for more
I sit on a cracked sidewalk that hurts my ass staring at a beautiful sunset with a city I call home.
The ash fails to the sidewalk at least because I can never keep it from inside the car Little things that will leave traces of me behind
Rides in the back of ambulances with my eyes clenched tight
Right eye opened and a bud light billboard flashes as quickly as it was seen
ER nurses ignore you for hours as you crawl out of your skin and scream while no ones listening
Hallucinate the bugs are coming out of the walls and the nurses faces distort making comments
Those moments are the last to surface
You think relapses are some grand moment of time where it stands still with a tickling clock waiting for your final answer and you think deeply about those lives you shatter
“Why?”
It swirls past so past you dont know and the hands come off the hinges
and you do not know
Right from up up from down
Noon from dusk
And you end up at the cold wet pit where
In those five seconds your mind thought green
You’ve ran through aspects of your life tearing them to shreds for no reason other than the earth shattering gut wrenching feeling
Of the swirling liquid in the bottom of your stomach
You only regain a glimpse of consciousness when you realize that swirl is becoming empty
No decision is made
That day you got cut off on the high way and your family ignores you and
The day you feel ugly in the mirror and you cannot breathe
because the weather is too hot or when you stand spinning while everyone operates around you are desperately trying to regain normality and reenter the room
As quietly as you left
And you hide inside your mind and your soul and as much as you unravel and speak at meetings and give and hold on you’re never holding on harder than the drink.
And you scream and you scream and nobody hears and sees those nights where you sit in a fetal position hoping for another life besides this one you’ve been granted
because you can’t go a day without facing the monster who took everything you had
And no one hears the pen ripping the paper because you try and try to use all those god damn coping mechanisms they drill into your fragile brain
And no one sees you on your knees and begging for whatever wrongs you committed to be released so for one solitary moment the devil didn’t dance inside your brain
Feel free to reach out and get in touch with Payton below:
@pmack011 - INSTA
Pey Arlene- FB
